I assume sometimes when one decides that he knows what it means to him when the inside of his consciousness is collapsing in on itself it would dawn upon himself that maybe things aren’t meant to be like this. But how would one know that this is actually happening? And how would be able to surmise that the feelings within his own subconscious actually depict abstract decadence of the intellect? These thoughts came to mind when I was sitting on my bed trying to visualize the perfect set of high heels, Three or four minutes later, a thought that also hit me was, when one is experiencing or is subjected to a state of inner confusion and implications of another oncoming psychotic episode how does one know that everything is what it is? At times in such a state, everything I think to myself turns to its absolute worst and materializes into something which seems to be an apparatus of disembodiment, or some sensation of my inner self being torn apart and/or tortured.

What I experience are physical sensations on myself but they are conceived within my own head. And why I feel these sensations is because when I am in such a state of mental atrophy that I loose all ability to reason with myself and I believe that what is happening is real, because within my own reality, my mind is law and is my apparatus through which I perceive all things. In feeling such a way it is enough to make me think that I am in fact going insane, when I am asking myself questions, and unconsciously answering them in the most negative of ways. Am I going insane? The confusion is all too much for me to handle at times.

When one is going insane, does one know that they are, in fact, going insane? I think not, because the insane believe that everyone else is insane, and to themselves, and within themselves, they believe that their reality is completely normal, depending upon the condition. When one realizes what it means to him to be a completely isolated being, one could realize that what they are subjected to within themselves and within their own mind is unable to be fathomed by another person completely and wholly. The level of understanding that one could posses while witnessing one in the middle of a panic attack of sorts would vary, depending on the intensity of their synergy and extra sensory connection between the two persons. The strongest of these links would be between siblings, parent to child, or lover to lover. A best friend could be as close as the previously listed depending upon the direct proportion of the emotional connections that the two have and the depth of their friendship. I apologize for my digression, however I felt that these points had to be illuminated in order for one to understand what I am saying.

I am the only person I have ever known of having sensations of inner decadence of their metaphysical self, and frankly, its such a lonely feeling, that the only thing I have to talk to about these points is this computer in front of me, however, there is no response, just the blinking of the cursor at the end of this sentence.

Posted: 06|28|06 at 8:28 am. Filed under: Personal.
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